Here's what we see: packages of all sizes coming to camp every day with toys and games, novelty items and accessories, tee-shirts and comics. Most days there is a table full of packages in the office. Regardless of our request for families not to send food and candy, many still do, sometimes going to great lengths to hide and smuggle contraband - bags of candy taped inside tee-shirts, stuffed inside teddy bears, etc. For years, we have required that the boys come to the office during their rest hour and open packages with a counselor to review the contents and confiscate food and candy. Their time in the office opening packages in the office is time away from their cabin mates and counselors.

We have been known to call parents who see smuggling candy as humorous to remind them of our rationale: we live in the woods and foodstuff attracts animals to the cabins - we've seen it happen! Fairness becomes an issue when some kids have candy and some do not: who will share with whom and why? Finally, sending candy in disregard for the rules sets up a confusing double standard for kids caught in the middle - though we have always been careful not to hold the boys responsible when we discover the hidden foodstuff, they are more often than not uncomfortably embarrassed by a package containing contraband. We believe, as you do, in clear and consistent messages in our role as caregivers. Though parents are already giving the boys a great gift of four, or eight weeks at Kabeyun, there is still a felt need in some to shower them in their absence with tokens of... I don't know what. Toys and games we find in the trash, or broken and scattered on the cabin floor; books lie unread; comics and toys become objects of contention - Who can use it next? You broke my toy! I said he could use it, not you.

Kabeyun takes great pride in providing the boys with excellent equipment - "toys" like white water kayaks, ropes course elements, tennis courts, bows and arrows, pottery wheels. This is where we all want their attention, not on the distractions of toys and games and other diversions they have access to during the rest of their year. I say "all" because I am including you, the parents. You have made a thoughtful choice in sending him to Kabeyun and know the value of the experience, the care we take in planning and designing a summer experience that gives them opportunities to step out of familiar territory, to learn about themselves in social situations and in challenging activities - they have the opportunity to do things that are different from all they have exposure to during the rest of the year. You like this and respect it; so do they. We work hard to minimize distractions: no access to computers, CD players and all electronics left at home, money left at home, no superfluous food and candy. We have maintained a commitment to limiting our session offerings and not bending to recent trends toward shorter sessions, assuring them of a stable camp community.

Without these distractions the boys are all on the same footing, all with access to the same program and amenities, regardless of their age, or background. They are not concerned with who has candy and who doesn't; you have money, and I don't; he can use my new toy, but you can't. We feed them well, including a fruit bowl available between meals and in the evenings. We equip them well for learning skills in boating, tennis and archery; creating projects in clay, leather and wood. We will refuse delivery for any package that arrives - anything larger than a regular letter or greeting card envelope.

Two exceptions will be made: Medical needs should be sent directly to the camp nurse or the director. We will also make exception for birthdays, still asking that you refrain from sending food or candy. If there is something you feel he absolutely needs, you can call us and arrange for a package to be sent to us in the office.

A parent asked me this the other day:

Do you subscribe to Bunk 1; can we see pictures of our son on the website during the summer?

I had no idea what Bunk 1 was. No, we don't subscribe to any service that makes it possible for parents to view their child in action at camp. We view ourselves as partners with parents as they turn their children over to our care, but we believe that the camp experience is for the child, not the parent.

As parents we do not choose a camp lightly. We make certain that the people are thoughtful, caring, and kind; we make sure the program is well-designed, with clear goals consistent with a meaningful mission; we make sure the camp's approach and philosophy are in line with our own. We look at the camp's approach to safety, the return rate of their staff and campers; we look at the quality of equipment and the state of the facility. Then we agree to let our child have the experience promised by the camp. We have faith in the choice we've made, trust our decision, and the people involved with the administration of the camp.

A huge challenge for parents is to trust their kids to do their best without them. A huge part of the experience for the kids is to have the chance to live in another environment without their parents. They learn to work through problems under the guidance of other caring adults; they learn to take care of their home space and belongings; they explore new challenges and accept the controlled risks offered on their own terms, at their own pace; they learn about personal potential and limits, in activities and socially: they learn what it is to become an independent person. In order for a camp staff to deliver these opportunities their attention must be focused at all times on each child in their care.

Certainly, it is an obligation of the camp director to communicate with parents, but this is best accomplished by spending time with the kids in the course of their day, getting to know them and how they are handling themselves so that information shared with parents can be meaningful and helpful. The felt need to manage pictures on a website - making sure that the pictures are of smiling faces, that every child is represented, that the kids have clean tee shirts on ' is nothing but a distraction from the real focus of camp.

Programs that boast access to photos or webcam video on the internet are spending too much time thinking about parents and not enough about children. When you enroll your son at Kabeyun we agree to assume the role of partner in parenting while he is in our care. We make ourselves available to parents as much as they need; we do not hesitate to consult with parents when there is a problem they need to know about. Our campers develop a strong sense of ownership in Kabeyun. It is a place they can call their own, where they feel connected and it is the development of this sort of connection that is a central part of our mission and an essential part of their development. The camp experience at Kabeyun is a great gift we can give our sons; allowing them to go away for four or eight weeks is a powerful demonstration of the faith we have of their abilities. Camp is about them, not us.

A long-time Kabeyun parent writes:

"We feel like 4 is short and 7-8 is too long at this point. Nathaniel also wants to attend a movie making camp in the city for two weeks. We also need a driving break between end of camp and family camp.

I was actually puzzled by the seven week option, but guess it had to do with school sessions? 4, 6, & 8 would have made more sense to me. I totally understand the hassle of comings and goings, for your part, so we can always do 4 again this year."

I'll try not to give you way more than you want/need to hear about Kabeyun session lengths, but I do want you to know that there are sound reasons to explain away your puzzlements. As you know, the second session has been a perennial challenge, with room to spare always, compared to the first. Years ago, in an effort to recruit new interest, we had an arrangement with John Harris where he would offer two weeks at Kabeyun as an extension to his camp program at Blue Bell - his day camp near Philadelphia. This evolved, along with the increased interest in shorter sessions in the culture, into the two-week introductory session for first-time campers. During the three years of recent funky enrollments I ended up playing around a lot with the two-week option. In the end, feeling the pressure to either carve up the Kabeyun summer into smaller pieces, or stay committed to the longer sessions, I made the decision a couple of years ago to stop carving. Two weeks is nothing in Kabeyun time and doesn't come close to being enough time to do what we promise to do with kids. So, Half Summer I became four-weeks ONLY; Half Summer II still offers the Intro., but with the strict limitation of age and one-time only. Two-weeks, with the transition for as many as 20 kids became two and a half when we pushed the transition to the weekend visiting day, thereby minimizing the impact on the camp. It also gave us a few more days! Then, when we shifted the opening and closing to the weekend, we saw an opportunity for further adaptations: a three-week intro., a shift of visiting day to the end of the session. Three weeks felt much better than two for the kids' experience and it is proving to be successful so far - a number of families, once I get them in conversation to explain why we really want the longer, uninterrupted experience for kids, see that there's not a lot of difference between three and four! Layered on top of all this has been the request, for years informally allowed as space was available in August, which it always is, for more time added onto the July session - the "six-week" option that started when we still had that two-week transition point in the second session. Not wanting anymore coming and going for the kids than is absolutely necessary, this has evolved into the Extended Stay - seven weeks now and that seems to be working, too!

You should be clear about the fact that it is not to prevent "hassle" for us that we are struggling to prevent the coming and going of a lot of different session lengths - clearly, if we opened it up it would benefit the bottom line - but we are trying to provide a certain experience within a certain culture that would be impossible with the coming and going. Other camps have succumbed and where they once were eight-week camps only like us, now offer many combinations of 2,3,4,7 and eight -week sessions. Sad, really, the way we carve everything up into sound bites. Even with the three-week and seven-week extended stay options, I am a bit fearful that we are seeing an erosion of the eight-week summer, but we're watching closely. My ideal is to some season soon drop the three-week option and return to either four or eight ONLY. It might end up as an unrealistic vision.

A prospective family writes:

"So, yes, the kids get to choose from many activities at Kabeyun, but are they really challenged? Do you work with them to set goals and achieve them? One of the things we felt was lacking at his previous camp... Another thing I wonder about is do the kids and the counselors have some kind of camp honor code. Again, something that they can be proud of to try and achieve in their camp life and beyond. This thought is somewhat a reaction to my boy saying that poor language was tolerated at his prior camp. I am a believer that boys (and all of us) need to be encouraged/reminded to set a higher level of behaviour than might be commonly accepted. We want a camp where our boy can really be proud that he is with a group of boys and young men who are stiving to become the best kids they can become. Finally (for now!), do the kids have chores? Yes, we are paying for the services of a camp, but we also believe a child should learn to appreciate the tremendous opportunities he has been presented with, and one way for this would seem to be to have the kids pitch in at camp. How do you instill in the kids a responsibility for the camp, beyond them just treating it as a country club?"

One of the primary goals of the Kabeyun program is to provide boys with opportunities for experiences in activities they don't have exposure to during the rest of their year. There is, in each activity area, a strong focus on skill acquisition. Our counselors focus not just on supervision and fun, but on real teaching, aimed at giving the boys the sense of progressing toward mastery and the subsequent sense of accomplishment that accompanies success. A natural part of this focus is goal-setting and guidance toward achieving personal goals. Counselors work with the boys in their respective activity areas as well as in the context of the cabin group - home - to monitor progress with the guys, provide encouragement, and celebrate their successes. The elective system of programming allows boys to pursue new experiences according to their own readiness; invitations to new experiences, nudges toward expanding personal boundaries, encouragement toward new challenges are all a part of daily discourse.

Beginning with the opportunity to set their own daily plan each day, the boys really develop a strong sense of ownership in the place. After a week or two they really feel the place is theirs; once they return summer after summer, the place becomes a part of them and they take pride in becoming a positive member of the community, including a strong sense of wanting to pass on the values to others. We hold a high standard for our treatment of one another and the place, working hard to make sure our counselors are trained in managing the less appealing aspects of the "street" or, better, media culture they bring to camp. We spend a lot of time problem solving with the boys, not because we have more than our share of problems, but because we believe that there is opportunity in conflict. We do not shy away from problems, whether between two boys, or within a group and talk a lot together as problems arise. We believe that emphasizing the problem solving process teaches kids that every problem has a solution and every solution is worth pursuing. They learn the value of respectful discussion; learn empathy as they have the chance to hear other points of view. What grows out of this fundamental commitment to the goals of respect and understanding is a camp culture that is safe and positive.

Another part of ownership is the way the boys are expected to care for their home. Every day after breakfast they return to their cabins and spend time together cleaning their own areas and sharing in the cleaning of common areas in the cabin. While they are not scrubbing toilets, they are tending to the bathroom houses each day maintaining a reasonable level of cleanliness and care. They share in the serving and table cleaning responsibilities at meals and chip in in innumerable ways every day to help one another and their counselors with routine chores.